Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
