splinters make it hard to masturbate
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
