these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
