It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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