i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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