seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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