Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
