I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
