So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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