Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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