I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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