I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
