wanna go halves on a baby?
I am in a vortex of obligation.
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
