I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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