... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
