She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
