you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
