Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
