I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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