Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
