I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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