Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
