thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
