I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
They have beer where we have blood.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
