youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
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