i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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