my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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