I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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