I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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