Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Randomize
