Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
