I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
