She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
