i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
