He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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