Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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