Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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