i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
try to milk me bitch
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
