Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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