Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
