please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
