she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Come on in and take your pants off
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