The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
