i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
