I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Randomize
