So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I still have a little drunk in my system
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
