I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize