Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
He shit in the fireplace
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
