just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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