i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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