I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
