i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Randomize
