You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
