dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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