his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Come on in and take your pants off
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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