the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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